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Top 5 Myths About Introverts

Aug 16th 2010

By: njharriswordpress

1 comment

“I’m mad as hell and not going to take it anymore!”

A famous line by Peter Finch from the movie, Network. So what exactly does this have to do with introversion? Our society doesn’t seem to appreciate introversion, we are routinely accused of being anti-social or of having poor social skills, being weak or ineffective leaders, too much in our heads, shy, and the list goes on and on. Google the word introversion and you’ll find numerous articles and blogs painting a very negative picture of being an introvert – many of them by people who know nothing about being an introvert!

Have you ever had someone say something unkind about you – without even knowing they were doing it? In a recent phone call the individual I was talking to – who doesn’t know me personally - made a reference to introverts that wasn’t so nice. The conversation was to long to recount in detail so I’ll summarize, ”Introverts have a really hard time socializing and shouldn’t host groups because they don’t do it very well”. I didn’t say a word but was shocked and more than a little irritated that he would stereotype and disparage an entire group of people – including me – without even knowing what it means to be an introvert! I didn’t bother to tell him that my introverted fiance and I had headed up a 500 member group in Las Vegas that we regularly planned and hosted parties and events for – and had a terrific time doing it!

I follow a blog by Nancy Ancowitz entitled “Self-Promotion for Introverts“. She recently had a post about The American Psychiatric Association considering adding introversion to the next version of their Diagnostic manual – as a contributing factor in diagnosing certain personality disorders! The proposed descriptions of introversion would refer to an “absence or deficit of extraversion.” As if there’s something wrong with what introverts enjoy doing? Are these nincompoops all extroverts who think we all have to be like them?

Are you beginning to understand why “I’m mad as hell and not going to take it anymore”? Don’t you get tired of hearing this stuff? I sure do! What’s wrong with being an introvert………. from my perspective ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!! So right now I’m going to shatter the Top 5 Myths About Introverts!

1. INTROVERTS DON’T LIKE TO SOCIALIZE

WRONG! Many introverts love to socialize – maybe not in the same way as extroverts but socialize nonetheless. We may not always be the life of the party but we generally are the brains – and if those extroverts will be quiet for a moment and listen they might find our conversations are far more interesting than the typical social chit chat! Sure some innies would rather not socialize – but does that make them weird? They just might be at work solving some challenging problem or at home reading an incredibly stimulating book.

2. INTROVERTS AREN’T GOOD LEADERS

Are you kidding? Some of the greatest leaders, journalists, celebrities, etc have been / are introverts: Diane Sawyer, Barbara Walters, Johnny Carson, Dwight D. Eisenhower, Helen Hunt, Audrey Hephburn, Clint Eastwood, Al Gore, Glen Close, Albert Einstein and the list goes on and on…. ’nuff said?

3. INTROVERTS ARE SOCIALLY INEPT

Anyone can be socially inept! What about extroverts who like to put lampshades on their heads at parties? Ok, I never actually met anyone who did that but the truth is I’ve been to gatherings where a great big extrovert is making a great big idiot of himself and wants everyone to watch! Hecklers are extroverts – no innie wants that much attention. So why does everyone think introverts are socially inept ? Because as usual extroverts are hogging all the attention by claiming that we innies are the ones with the problem!

4. INTROVERTS ARE NOT INTELLIGENT

It’s estimated we make up 25% of the population of the world but more than 60% of the gifted population. Every introvert I know is smart and some are really smart! So just believe me on this one – we innies are way smarter than anyone else!

5. INTROVERTS ARE GRUMPY

I’m not sure where this myth started but I have yet to meet a grumpy introvert. It’s true we may be quiet, slow to respond to a question (we are thinking!), dislike idle chatter, seek meaningful conversations, ask probing questions, not automatically take your word for something, believe that trust is earned, think before acting, question authority, question anything, and spend time on complex problems. But this doesn’t make us grumpy!!! If you extroverts want to spend time watching mindless TV I don’t call you an idiot (even if I think it!). If the most important thing is how you look I don’t call you vain (even if I think it!). So don’t label me either – you knucklehead!

Well there you have it – 5 shattered myths about introverts! I hope that as an introvert you’ll look at yourself in a brand new way! We may be different, but we are awesome and never forget how special you really are.

You can read about the difference between introversion, shyness and social awkwardness in “Don’t Be “Shy” About Introversion” and find lots more info in my post on The Top 5 Must Read Introvert Books
Don’t Be “Shy” About Introversion

Aug 6th 2010

By: njharriswordpress

3 comments

When you write a blog you’re dependent on everyone’s feedback and comments to help you know whether or not they liked what you wrote. It’s often the case that few people will leave a comment – blog statistics show that 1% or less of readers do so. That’s why it’s been so surprising how many of you have written me – both here and on LinkedIn – and I’m thankful and appreciative for all the positive feedback! But it’s also been eye opening to read your views on how being an introvert has impacted your life, how difficult it is to network and how you often feel excluded or ignored.

Introverts often dislike small talk so networking or being in the social scene can be uncomfortable, even painfully difficult. Not all introverts struggle in this way – and just because you are an introvert doesn’t mean you can’t find effective ways to deal with it – and I’ve been and will continue to provide helpful tips to assist you.

But there’s something else going on – as I’m interacting with more and more introverts (and being one myself) I’m finding that some of you who call yourselves introverts are really dealing with being shy, possibly even timid. Why does that matter? Because being an introvert doesn’t mean you are shy – they are two completely different issues. Introversion and extroversion define where we get our energy. Shyness and timidity are about how we deal with people in both personal and social settings. As Wikipedia states:

Shyness is a social psychology term used to describe the feeling of apprehension, lack of confidence, or awkwardness experienced when a person is in proximity to, approaching, or being approached by other people, especially in new situations or with unfamiliar people. Shyness may come from genetic traits, the environment in which a person is raised, or a combination of both. Some people with shyness have social anxiety problems or social phobia.

So it’s possible to be shy but not an introvert. In fact it’s even possible to be a shy extrovert – you get your energy from going out and being with people but feel apprehensive when you are in social settings.

And there are other possibilities. Some people have a social phobia – being around people is uncomfortable (for some even frightening) so they tend to avoid interaction. Some might be socially awkward and struggle to fit in so it’s just easier to avoid social settings. Then there are more extreme cases involving what’s known as social anxiety disorder. Finally, some people are angry…. unresolved life issues have left scars and these individuals choose to push others away – through attitude or demeanor and often in frustrated, angry or sometimes even hostile ways. it’s a flashing neon sign visible to everyone but the angry person.

So maybe you are an introvert…..or maybe not. If you hate going out because you might say or do something wrong – you may not be an introvert. If being in groups makes you feel panicky – you may not be an introvert. If you are angry and frustrated with your life because you find it impossibly difficult to socialize – you may not be an introvert. It may be time for a little self reflection. Maybe it’s time to ask your family or friends you trust how you come across to others when they are with you. Are you using the introvert label but there are deeper issues that need to be dealt with? Maybe it’s time for a little soul searching and a willingness to deal with what you find down there.

You can find other articles about networking in:

Networking Your Way!

Being Yourself – The Introvert’s Job Search

5 Must Read Books for Introverts
Networking YOUR way!

Jul 27th 2010

By: njharriswordpress

3 comments

Networking……..the dreaded requirement for finding a job

So you just read the latest article about networking by Mr. or Ms. “I know everything about networking” and it states “if you aren’t getting out to network every day you aren’t doing everything possible to get a job”. Ugh – are they crazy?!!! If you’re an introvert, the thought of going out to network daily is not just overwhelming but impossible. So put those crazy thoughts aside - it is possible to network in a way that works for YOU!

There are two types of networking, the kind you attend in person and the kind you do right from your own computer – known as social networking. There are many avenues for social networking, the most common being LinkedIn, Twitter, Facebook, YouTube and some consider blogging another form as well. You’re probably already using at least one type of social networking – why not learn to use it to its fullest capability. Join groups, read articles, reach out to people and you’ll quickly see the benefits – and power – of social networking.

When it comes to live networking the truth is I’m only able to handle one, but no more than two networking events a week and I want to make those events count! So I carefully choose the events I’m going to attend. I used to go to networking events for those of us “in transition” (the new polite term for unemployed) but now I only attend those events occasionally. Why? They are great for meeting new people (I’ve made some terrific friends from these events) but since everyone is in the same situation I haven’t found them to be particularly helpful for job hunting.

So what types of events do I attend? Those that really peak my interest, that draw a diverse crowd from many industries and includes the employed! Why? If the only people I’m hanging with are unemployed I’m not meeting people who have job opportunities in the company they work at right now! I attend events of all sizes, small events are great for really getting to know each other and bigger events expose you to a lot more people. Look for events online in your city, your industry, sponsored by local clubs (like social media) or hosted by a local hotel, restaurant or coffee house.

In our community many people who are connecting via their social network are looking to meet offline as well. I recently attended an event that started online but is now meeting live. Many of the networking events I attend also have corresponding social networking groups on LinkedIn and Facebook to build on connections between get-togethers.

With a little searching you’ll be able to find lots of networking opportunities, both online and live and I’ve rounded up some great articles to help you find your networking groove:

3 Ways To Make Networking Fun for Introverts and Extroverts

Networking For The Shy and Introverted

Introvert or Extrovert? Tips For The Search No Matter Which ‘Vert’ You Are

How To Take The Intimidation Out Of Networking

Networking? Ugh!

Networking for the Networking Phobic

Ok everyone there are many networking activities to choose from! I’d like to hear from all of you what type of networking you’re using and how it’s working for you.

Read our other articles about The Job Search and 5 Must Read Books for Introverts
5 Must Read Introvert Books

Jul 21st 2010

By: njharriswordpress

3 comments
Hi Everyone! Since I just finished posting the four part series on the The Job Search I thought it was time to give myself (and you) a little break from the heavy duty stuff and write some quick posts. So today I’m sharing 5 books on Introversion you might enjoy reading! I really wish I had more time to read – for someone who’s looking for a job you’d think I would have plenty of time…….but for some strange reason I’m always busy! So some of the books I’ve read, others I want to read but here’s the most important part – I want to hear from you! Let me know if you’ve read any of these books and your thoughts on them. Or tell me what books you’ve read that you really enjoyed – it can be on any topic – and I’ll share them with everyone!

The Happy Introvert by Elizabeth Wagele

I haven’t read this one so here’s a book review by Nigel Thompson (abbreviated). Enter Elizabeth Wagele. Shall we call her “the happy introvert”? That is, after all, the title of the latest offering from this delightful teacher and whimsical explorer of human nature and our personal worlds, both inner and outer. Displaying once again her trademark combination of clear prose and clever cartoons, Wagele takes on, in this work, that most private and retiring of subjects: the human introvert in its natural habitat—much misunderstood, sometimes mysterious, often maligned.

The Introvert Advantage By Dr. Marti Laney

If you’re only going to read one book about being an introvert this is the one! A definitive guide to knowing and understanding your introverted nature and learning to make the most of your uniqueness in an extroverted world. This book covers every topic from self awareness to dating / marriage and is a must read for any extrovert who wants to understand introverts. All I can say is read this book!

Self-Promotion for Introverts by Nancy Ancowitz

This is on my next to read list (after I finish Problogger). If you’re looking to move ahead in the business world this just might be the book for you. Here’s a bit from the website. Nancy Ancowitz offers lively exercises to help you explore promotional methods best suited to your personality type. She provides tips and tools to harness your strengths, make a plan, set goals, and take action. Learn to:
- Use your introversion as an advantage
- Articulate what sets you aside; overcome your obstacles
- Create a “marketing mix” best suited to your style and strengths
- Target clients and employers
- Clarify your vision
- Set goals strategically
The Successful Introvert by Wendy Gelberg

This book is interesting because it combines introversion and shyness – so for all of you innies that are also shy this may be helpful. It talks about the “strategies used by successful people – including numerous celebrities – in managing their introversion or shyness while becoming successful in professional endeavors.” If you are introverted and shy this book may be the right one for you!

Introvert Power: Why Your Inner Life is Your Hidden Strength by Laurie Helgoe PH

I had never heard of this book before I started researching but after finding it I know I must read it! Please let me know if you’ve already read it and your thoughts. In some ways it looks similar to The Introvert Advantage and the people who’ve read it are enthralled with it. Check out Dr Helgoe’s website and see what you think.

Happy Reading!
Being Yourself – The Job Search Part 4

Jul 19th 2010

By: njharriswordpress

7 comments

Being unemployed is hard……. really hard. A friend of mine says if he had to choose between divorce and looking for work he’d almost choose divorce (and he loves his wife)! That’s how bad looking for a job is to many of us. And yet here we are. Being without a job often means we begin to question ourselves, our lives. Wonder why one thing led to another that led to the end of our job. We don’t like it. We don’t feel very good about it. And we’re certainly not grateful for being unemployed – absolutely not! Why should we be grateful – it sucks!

3. GRATITUDE

We all know what gratitude is. Webster’s defines it as the state of being grateful; Thankfulness. As children we were taught to be grateful. When I was growing up kids were told to “Eat YOUR Dinner”!! because there were starving children in other countries – the underlying message to be grateful for that food (even if it was spinach)! Society tells us to be grateful for our country, our rights and our freedom. Even Oprah’s in on it – she tells us to have an attitude of gratitude.

But what does it truly mean to be grateful?

I have no job – am I grateful for that? Money is tight and we have to really watch our pennies – am I grateful for that? I lost my house or car or credit or ……. you fill in the blank. Are you grateful for that?

So in the midst of all that’s swirling around us – no job, fear, uncertainty and unanswered questions about what lies ahead just how do we find it within ourselves to be grateful?

BY CHOOSING TO BE GRATEFUL

I can’t convince you to be grateful – it’s your choice. You can look at your life through a negative perspective, be angry at the hand you’ve been dealt, complain to everyone you meet, or be chronically dissatisfied. That’s your choice.

OR you can choose to look at life from the perspective of appreciating what you do have – even if it isn’t everything you wanted or where you expected to be at this point in your life. Despite whatever life circumstances you are facing you CAN choose to be grateful.

Here’s a challenge – be grateful for everything you have for 1 day. That’s it, just one day. From the time you wake up till you go to bed. Find a way to be grateful for everything. Hate your mattress – be thankful you have a bed to sleep on (when many don’t). Wish you had a newer car – be thankful the one you have still works. Too many emails – be glad people are contacting you. Hate going grocery shopping – be thankful you have the money to shop. You get the picture. Give it a try.

Being grateful is a choice – your choice. Will it “change your life”… well no. It’s not magic. But if you let it, it will change your perspective. And sometimes that’s just what you need.
Being Yourself – The Job Search Part 3

Jul 12th 2010

By: njharriswordpress

5 comments

An introverted friend of mine had a funny feeling that something was going to happen at work. Although he couldn’t quite pinpoint it he just knew something was up and it was time to act. It just so happened he was scheduled to attend the annual company conference so he used that time to network his way into a new position in another department. The week after the conference his existing department was disbanded….and he was one of the lucky few who transferred out in time, the rest were laid off!

This post we’re talking about the next step in maintaining your positive outlook and balance during unemployment:

2. LISTEN TO YOUR INSTINCTS

One of my introverted gal pals was focused on sending resumes only to those positions she was qualified for. She had been sticking to this process for some time without much luck so when another friend (an extrovert) convinced her that she needed to send resumes to everyone – whether she was qualified for the position or not – she reluctantly agreed. A short while later she confided to me her dissatisfaction with this approach. It went against her “instincts”.

The word seems to be getting out that we introverts are deep thinkers, that we need lots of alone time to process our thoughts and feelings and that we have a heightened and unique sense of “instincts” that are different than the instincts of extroverts. Introverts I know often talk of their instincts, (AKA: gut feelings, intuition, funny feeling that something’s going to happen, etc,) , and how they use these feelings to their advantage. But what happens when an introvert fails to listen to their gut?

Last fall a dear friend sensed there was something wrong with the relationship between him and his boss. Although there was nothing overt his gut convinced him to take action so he contacted the appropriate person in his company and expressed his desire to find a “new opportunity” at work (he said nothing about his boss). But he was advised that the company was in lock down mode – a hiring freeze and no transfers. Although his gut went into hyper drive telling him to take action he decided to wait it out. Several months later his boss put him on probabion. Only a couple years earlier this same man had won the company’s top award! He has 10 years tenure and a terrific track record – now he’s fighting for his job with the possibility of being fired.

Some months ago I found myself thoroughly frustrated with my life, the job search, etc. and nothing I did seemed to make a difference. So I gave myself a little time and space to listen to my gut but what I heard was rather strange…….. I sensed I needed to “stop thinking and start doing”. And by doing, it meant doing things that needed to be done, like having my resume professionally written, cleaning and painting around the house and fixing up the garden. I know you introverts know what I mean – when we listen we don’t always hear what we expect! But I followed my gut, developed a list of things that needed to be done and began doing them one-by-one.

Each day I focused on the task at hand and little by little I saw my to-do list shrink. Not only was I honoring my instincts but so much was getting accomplished that I felt terrific! How long did all this take? About 4 months. Literally as soon as it was all done the phone rang…….it was an HR Recruiter soliciting me for the perfect position – in Los Angeles. I live in Orange County – commuting to Los Angeles would take 2 hours minimum each way. At first I was angry – I wasn’t going to commute like that and I felt my gut had led me astray. That is until I realized with a shock that my finace and I had been wanting to move and this was the perfect opportunity! I’m still waiting to hear about the job (they promised by the end of July) but we have decided to focus my job efforts on the LA area so we can move there. By listening to my instincts I’ve gotten the house ready so when we decide to move it will be so much easier! It’s amazing what listening to your gut will do!

In your haste to get out of your present situation are you avoiding listening to your gut? I did!! But when I gave myself some time to be quiet and listen I was able to clearly hear. Even though what I heard sounded strange, I listened and acted. Make sure you are listening and acting on your instincts – it can make all the difference in both your job search and your life!

Thanks to everyone for your terrific and insightful comments both here and on LinkedIn! Love hearing from you so please take a moment to express your thoughts or if you have ideas about a future blog (or would like me to tell your introverted story) leave your comments here or contact me on LinkedIn.

You can read the first in this series about maintaining your positive outlook and balance by going to Being Yourself – The Job Search In part 2 we discussed Believing in Yourself . Next post we’ll discuss the final step – Gratitude.
Being Yourself – The Job Search Part 2

Jul 8th 2010

By: njharriswordpress

2 comments

In my last post we discussed how easy it is to get side swiped by all the negativity regarding the job search, unemployment, the economy, etc. So just how do you stay on track and not let everything around you knock you down? Over the years as an introvert I’ve developed three steps to maintain balance and a positive perspective.

1. BELIEVE IN YOUSELF

Now you might be thinking – yea yea I’ve read that a million times (or something like it) and it hasn’t helped. STOP I want you to read it again and really think about it. Do you believe in yourself right now or are you feeling overwhelmed, frustrated. tired of the effort, maybe drained? Do you start out the day “ok” but as it wears on do your energy levels decrease and your negative thinking increase? Or do you just wake up irritated at the whole ordeal. It’s common for introverts to struggle in these ways. So when was the last time you truly believed in yourself and what you could accomplish?

Remember when you woke up each day with enthusiasm for the day ahead? What about projects that excited you because it gave your brain something to wrap around? Or potential new clients, sales leads, products, articles, or anything in your line of work or business that got your blood pumping because you couldn’t wait to tackle it. Of course not everything at work was positive but regardless it kept your brain busy and occupied which is critical for introverts. Most importantly let’s not forget the power of positive feedback – many introverts don’t like “showy” praise but truly appreciate a simple compliment; nice job, good idea, great service. But whether you were named employee of the year or got a well deserved compliment from a customer or client we all want to know how we are doing, it’s human nature, and work often provided that essential feedback.

The job search wears you down for one very important reason – you are getting no feedback. You are hanging in the dark without a clue as to whether you resume is effectively marketing you, your cover letter is well written, or your interview skills adept. No one is telling you what you are doing right and no one is telling you what you are doing wrong. Generally the only way to find out if your job search is successful is to get a job! If you don’t get positive feedback (a job) you don’t feel successful. Eventually you begin to lose faith in your accomplishments and finally in yourself. So how does believing in yourself change that?

By believing in yourself you allow yourself to see the possibilities of what you can accomplish – now. By believing in yourself you harness the power of your mind. By believing in yourself you are able to to stay focused on a task and see it through to completion. By completing something you feel good about yourself and will possibly receive positive feedback – and feeling good about what we accomplish along with positive feedback encourages us to do it again. Let me give you an example. As an introvert I faced all the same struggles I’ve been writing about and found myself quickly going downhill. Then I read a book about making a career comeback (more on that in a future post). The author encouraged writing a blog, something I wasn’t the least bit interested in. A few weeks later I randomly started thinking about a blog for introverts – and now I am passionately writing about a subject near to my heart and reading your wonderful comments has encouraged me more than I can say.

So believing in yourself means putting thought into action. Starting right now what can you do to start the ball rolling? How about starting a little garden or finding free dance lessons. Search out some new networking events (and actually attend) or take a neighbor to lunch. You could join a meetup group (Meetup.com) on any topic that interests you (cooking, hiking, you name it they’ve got it). Write a blog! Volunteering is always great. You can think of something – I know you can – no matter how small take that first step to do something……anything…….that interests you. You never know where it’s going to take you but first you have to start!

Stayed tuned for the next installment of The Job Search. Your comments are always appreciated as are your ideas for future posts. If this post has encouraged you to take action please share it with us!
Being Yourself – The Introvert’s Job Search

Jul 6th 2010

By: njharriswordpress

9 comments

Let’s be truthful, looking for work isn’t fun in the best of times let alone now when the economy has tanked and plenty of articles are screaming that many unemployed will never work again. Introverts can be at an even greater disadvantage because we struggle to network and often just wear out from the whole experience. Many unemployed introverts I know are exhausted from job searching which has led to frazzled emotions – anger, frustration, moodiness, melancholy and even depression. There are a number of ways we introverts can be self-defeating, often without even realizing it.

So let’s talk about your typical day job searching. Whether you rise early or late, drink coffee or tea, check job boards, LinkedIn or anything else related to job searching, some time during the day almost everyone reads blogs – particularly career related blogs. Many introverts I know are avid readers, devouring gobs of information over the course of a day. Certainly keeping up on current career issues is important but much of what you are reading is negative – and I do mean NEGATIVE.

Pull up almost any career blog and notice the headlines…… then scan the comments. Defeated people who’ve sent out hundreds of resumes with not one interview, people angry that they are passed over either because they have a degree or don’t have a degree, people confused, people frustrated. Once you’ve started reading it’s often hard to stop and next thing you know you’ve clicked on a story claiming a world depression is coming or how Congress failed to pass further unemployment benefits or……..some other nasty problem.

Now that you’re in a negative mind frame, you focus on what’s wrong in your life. Maybe your resume isn’t what you’d like but you can’t afford to have one written for you so you change it constantly but are never satisfied. Or you don’t really know what job you want, or anyone to help you figure it out so you feel confused and lost. You think about everything that needs to get done around the house but you have no money to do it. And on and on and on…….. the longer you’re unemployed it seems the faster you can start sliding down the slippery slope of negative thinking. And while some days you’re able to remain hopeful, other days quickly degenerate into fear, worry or the worst of all – complete hopelessness.

But there is hope! There is a way to get on and stay on a more even keel. It is a choice – one that you can make to remain positive by being true to who you are as an introvert and to use your introverted nature to your advantage. In my next blog – The Job Search Part 2 - we’ll talk about the first of three most important things you can do to maintain a positive attitude during your job search.
My Story

Apr 14th 2010

By: njharriswordpress

4 comments

We all have a story and for those of you who are introverts you will probably relate to much of what I’ve been through. For those of you who are extroverts, this will give you some insight as to what it’s like to grow up introverted – especially confusing when you don’t even know what it means or why you are different.

In elementary school I had a few close friends, raised my hand in class ( me! me!! ME!!!), chased the boys and on almost every report card got a bad grade in “Citizenship” because I talked too much! A typical kid in some ways but although I spent some of my time at school with friends, I was just as likely to walk around the playground by myself during recess or disappear into the library during lunch where I could sit in the corner and immerse myself in a good book.

In junior high and high school my friends and I hung out, went to movies and did things like all the other kids. I thought I was just like everyone else…..so how come every time we went to Disneyland I got up and almost threw up? Why did I make up excuses to my friends to avoid shopping at the mall…. going to the movies…… or anything involving being around lots of people ? I avoided joining most activities, steered clear of after school clubs and found almost any reason to dodge group gatherings. When teachers called on me in class I felt clammy and slightly out of breath. Talking one-on-one was never a problem even in the most public places but in groups of 5 or more I completely shut down and my brain was like a blank screen.

I went to my first real party around age 21 – it was to be “the event”! A Halloween Bash with outrageous costumes, real cocktails and delicious food and many of my high school friends would be there. I had been incredibly excited to go until a few days before the date. Suddenly the thought of going made me want to cry and I felt so agitated inside I could hardly stand it. My agitation made it impossible to decide on a costume so I procrastinated until I was forced to wear my fiance’s baseball uniform……ugh. Everything was going wrong – or at least that was my perception. I was overwhelmed, upset and confused at myself and my feelings. By the time we arrived at the party the thought of being with all those people was literally making me ill so I headed straight to the nearest sofa, parked myself and stayed there the rest of the night. The excitement of receiving the invitation had given way to dread and even though I went (with much prodding from my fiance) the only people I spoke to were the ones who joined me on the sofa.

What was wrong with me? Why did it seem that everyone around me was having fun at party’s and gatherings but I was miserable? Why could I be so gregarious with a few friends but utterly silent when too many people were around? I was pretty sure I wasn’t shy and absolutely sure I wasn’t timid. In small groups I was talkative, insightful, funny and able to carry on a normal conversation. But what was it about bigger groups that left me shaking, scared and breathless.

By the time I was 29 I was making my way in the great big world after a divorce left me a single parent. There were so many things I had to do that there was no time to “evaluate myself” or work on “self-improvement” – I had to be a parent, chauffeur, run errands, shop, cook, volunteer and work! The symptoms I experienced when in groups of people continued but I was learning to manage it – I had no choice. Moving up at work required me to attend conferences and speak at meetings. There were many times my boss – the Vice President – got laryngitis, forcing me to give her presentation to the Executive Committee (you know – the Chairman,President, etc…..gulp). I always suspected that the thought of being in front of all those people literally brought on laryngitis! Then I was asked to do some training that started with me giving presentations to a handful of people but within a short time had me training 20, 30 or more at a time! Although I still got clammy and a bit breathless I was learning to control the worst symptoms and doing it fairly successfully…….so why was it that after a few months of my hectic schedule there would be a weekend morning I just couldn’t get up. I felt drained, overwhelmed, like a dead battery. I would finally drag myself out of bed, get going and start the process all over again only to have the same thing happen a few months later.

Then in my 40’s my adult son gave me a book that forever changed how I viewed myself and the world around me, The Introvert Advantage by Dr. Marti Olsen Laney. From the moment I started reading the introduction fireworks were going off in my brain – THIS IS ME!!!! SOMEONE UNDERSTANDS ME!!!! – and I read the entire book in record time! Finally, there were answers about who I was and why I felt and acted as I did. Even answers to questions I had never thought about. Finally I was free from the nagging doubts that had been in my mind my entire life and I felt like I fit somewhere…..like I was “normal”.

So what is an introvert? Many people think it means being shy or timid – but that is absolutely not the case. Here’s one definition from About.com

Definition: Contrary to what most people think, an introvert is not simply a person who is shy. In fact, being shy has little to do with being an introvert! Shyness has an element of apprehension, nervousness and anxiety, and while an introvert may also be shy, introversion itself is not shyness. Basically, an introvert is a person who is energized by being alone and whose energy is drained by being around other people.

Introverts are more concerned with the inner world of the mind. They enjoy thinking, exploring their thoughts and feelings. They often avoid social situations because being around people drains their energy. This is true even if they have good social skills. After being with people for any length of time, such as at a party, they need time alone to “recharge.”

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In an article entitled “Caring For Your Introvert” in the Atlantic Magazine by Jonathan Rauch he asks the following: “Do you know someone who needs hours alone every day? Who loves quiet conversations about feelings or ideas, and can give a dynamite presentation to a big audience, but seems awkward in groups and maladroit at small talk? Who has to be dragged to parties and then needs the rest of the day to recuperate? Who growls or scowls or grunts or winces when accosted with pleasantries by people who are just trying to be nice?

If so, do you tell this person he is “too serious,” or ask if he is okay? Regard him as aloof, arrogant, rude? Redouble your efforts to draw him out? If you answered yes to these questions, chances are that you have an introvert on your hands”

We introverts are unique and aren’t always easy for the extroverted world to understand but we are most certainly worth the effort! Stay tuned to my next blog where we’ll look at the differences between introverts and extroverts (or as Dr Laney calls them Innies and Outies)!
Welcome to An Introvert’s Diary

Apr 9th 2010

By: njharriswordpress

2 comments

Welcome! If you are reading this page, you’re reading my very first post about realizing I was an introvert. This has been a life time journey with the first 20 or so years coming to understand that I was “different”, the next 20 years trying to figure out what that meant, finally realizing I was a “typical” introvert and from then until now accepting myself for who I am and understanding what being an introvert means to me.

I’m new to blogging so this blog may look a little rough at the moment but bear with me! I’m so excited to learn and grow this blog into a destination for introverts that will provide advice, links and helpful information for every area of your life along with worthwhile and useful tools to help you deal with the everyday issues of living in an extrovert’s world!

So when did you first realize you were different? Were you a child who didn’t quite fit in? Was it easier to stay inside than join the kids playing outside? Were you the kid watching everyone else and wondering what to say or do? Were you a “talker” to your friends but silent in groups. Maybe a teenager without the same enthusiasm for “hanging out” as your friends. Possibly the thought of joining an after school club tied your stomach in knots. As you got a bit older did you secretly dread parties and nightclubs or going somewhere you knew there would be lots of people you didn’t know – like a college class, a bar or a movie. Why was it that sometimes you could be the life of the party but other times your brain was simply empty, then later you would think “now why didn’t I think of that????

What about now…. do you feel tired and drained after too many meetings? Are you unemployed and positively dreading the whole idea of networking. Does the thought of a weekend with too many outings make you want to crawl back into bed and pull the covers over your head? What about that BBQ with your friends that sounded so terrific a few weeks ago – are you now racking your brain for any excuse to get out of going. Are you asking yourself why you volunteered this weekend when you would rather just be at home. Do you have days when you just can’t seem to get going? Or mornings when the thought of everything you have to do makes you exhausted (even after plenty of sleep!).

Did you ever wonder why?

I’m not sure when I first heard the term “Introvert” and when I did if it meant anything to me. I knew I was different in some ways but I wasn’t really sure why or exactly how. Most people seemed to think being an introvert meant being shy and timid and I sure wasn’t shy or timid! But it seemed everyone around me looked forward to parties, gatherings, events – they couldn’t wait to go out and have fun! The more the merrier! Sometimes I would get caught up in their excitement and willingly agree to join in only later to sincerely regret it when reality set in. But if I did go – and that was a BIG IF – I often had a terrific time! Of course I was exhausted but it was more often than not a really good exhaustion, the kind that makes you feel satisfied (like after you’ve eaten a delicious meal). But the next time I was invited somewhere the whole process started again, the dread, fear or sense of being overwhelmed. I just couldn’t seem to generate the desire to go, I was only able to feel satisfaction after the fact.

But there were also plenty of times the whole event went wrong and generally right from the start. The overwhelming feeling would begin several days beforehand and I would start creating reasons why I couldn’t go. In retrospect some of the excuses were kind of funny and others were just plain silly but I have a feeling that whoever I told my excuses too knew just that – they were excuses. Closer and closer until the day finally came, either my excuses hadn’t worked or it was something I couldn’t wiggle out of but there I was – somewhere I didn’t want to be! My brain wouldn’t work, I was dull and drained and not a smart witty thought could find it’s way to my mouth. Feeling that way contributed to other bad feelings such as being unattractive or fat or badly dressed – none of which was true (I hope!) but pervasive none the less. The event would be a disaster, at least in my mind, with me at the center feeling despondent. For days even weeks afterward I might feel badly and dig deep into understanding why but often there were no answers – I was just me but not always very happy about it. I knew there must be answers……. but where?

If you’re still with me it might be that either you are an introvert or are close to someone who is an introvert. Maybe you are thinking to yourself “I can really relate to that” or “mmmmm, sounds kind of like someone I know”. But whether it’s you, someone you know, or you’re just interested the goal of this blog is to provide ways to succeed as an introvert and a place to go that understands the needs of an introvert. Stay with me for the next installment – My Story – where I’ll share a bit about my growing up experiences and how I learned to accept who I was – and thrive! I’ll also be sharing a tool that forever changed my life and I hope it will do the same for you!